The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Cry

i didn't get to skype with g&g today because the orphanage didn't have an internet connection.  that means i'm at three whole weeks of not seeing or speaking to the babies.  that also means that by the time next tuesday rolls around it will have been a solid month since we have skyped.  not cool, orphanage.  not cool.

i had a mini meltdown this afternoon.  instead of being grateful for all of the times that a third world country has had an internet connection that's allowed me to see my kiddos i pouted over the small handful of times that they didn't.  instead of being grateful that i will be on a plane to see the twins three weeks from tomorrow i teared up over a mom that was picking out a book with her daughter in a bookstore.  instead of giving myself a pep talk that included phrases like "pull it together, soldier!" and "that kid was bratty you wouldn't want them anyway" i leaned against a shelf in the history section, where i obviously stood the best chance of not being seen by another human being because history books are b-o-r-i-n-g and very few people want to read them much less buy them, and cried.

it wasn't my finest moment.  it wasn't the best i've felt in awhile.  it didn't make me proud of myself.
but it was honest.  and i needed to let it out.

so here goes...

today i am sick of looking at families with their kids and i'm sick of feeling the responsibility to either help raise $35,000 or feel the burden of 96 kids again being without a home or family (can't even begin to talk about this one today, will get to this nasty road block tomorrow) and i'm sick of not being able to buy my kids anything because i don't know if they'll be too old to play that certain game or read that certain book by the time they are officially mine and i'm sick of this new important life and miss my old selfish one and i really really really miss shopping and spending silly amounts of money on myself and my closet and my god i need a pedicure before the bottoms of my feet scrape through my flip flops and i'm sick and damn tired of being the kind of girl who just cries in bookstores at the beach. (oh yeah, at the beach.  because only i could stand in the middle of paradise and whine about my life being so rough)

i, seeking sympathy, texted an adoptive mom-in-waiting friend of mine who told me that yesterday at 1:30pm she ordered a whole papa john's pizza, answered the door in her robe, and devoured it in bed by herself.  

it made me feel better.  and jealous.  but mostly better.  but i love pizza.  but better...

days like today are exactly why we shouldn't judge people by single encounters with or stories about them (right? please say yes and cue the full house danny tanner 27 minutes into the episode hug music).

xo,

m

May Days

today is june 12th and i am just now catching my breath from may.  that lil' month had me traveling all over the country this year and i loved every minute of it.

what: key west songwriter's festival

why: because we songwriters have really hard jobs and need to get away every now and then (lie)

what really happened: i played a one hour show during the course of a 5 day vacation

  

what: mother's day

why: because it was my first (sort of) one

what really happened: ol' fashioned southern overeating

what: asheville, north carolina writer's retreat

why: because i have reeeaaaaally generous friends

what really happened: guitar time, wine, food, wine, great songs, wine, wine wine wine

what: southern california

why: my boyfriend booked one of his artists at the ranch and YOU MUST GO THERE ONE DAY 

what really happened: country music in california, two stepping, one of the best meals of my life that sent my inner fat kid to foodie heaven, new friends, a much too short visit with an old friend, brunch on the beach, and even more wine than north carolina

the in between: surprise wedding fun, ascap at night, mister darlin snuggle, bgv's at rachel loy's cd release party, jameson ep release also known as the most fun ever. 

phew.  may, you were lovely.

JAMESON

so I'm in a band.  JAMESON.  with some of my best friends.  who happen to be the most incredible musicians.  our EP release show is tonight.  we wrote it together.  we cut it together.  we have group text chains that would be worth staying in the band to read even if the music was awful. 

yesterday when we were rehearsing i looked around at everyone and thought that this must be what disney world feels like to a kid.  but I'm not visiting.  i get to live in the dang castle.  i can't believe that i get to make a living doing something that i love this much.

we want to share the love.  download our new ep, "the doctor's in", for FREE.

yep.  FREE.

www.soundcloud.com/Jameson-Band

Mr. Darlin

so i have this friend named morgane.  she is beautiful.  she sings her butt off.  she writes incredible songs. she cooks a mean 3am t-bone.  she sends the sweetest monday evening texts wishing me a happy-skyping-eve.  she also happens to be an incredible mother to two of the most beautiful and perfect children on the face of the earth.  

her son, wayland, is 3 years old and calls me 'miss darlin'.  seriously.  he came up with that on his own. wayland, we have already decided, will be gerald's best friend.  they will be in a band (duh) and it will be called panda because they are black and white (duh) and that is just plain cute i don't care who you are.  anyway, i was over at their house the other day and wayland saw a picture of gerald and geraldine on the wallpaper of my computer (duh).  i pulled him up on to my lap and, pointing at them individually, asked him to tell me their names.  here's how the conversation went:

me: "way, who is this?"

wayland: "gerald."

me: "and who is this?"

wayland: "and deen."

AND DEEN.  how stinkin' precious is that???  i looked over at morgane and told her that her son might have just named my daughter.

this, of course, brought up a big question.  how exactly does one spell 'deen'?  is it 'dine', just like the end of her name but that everyone would mispronounce as if they were about to sit down to eat for the rest of her life?  or is it 'dean' as in james?  or is it a more feminine 'deen' like wayland's aunt meesa suggested?

i decided that since wayland picked her name he should be the one to spell it.  this did not come easy for sweet mr. darlin.  turns out, there is a lot of pressure in picking the spelling of a name.

so, mr. darlin took some time... and i got the following video text from morgane this week.

'deen' it is.  gerald and deen.  forever and ever amen.

Best Text Ever

i adore my friends. and their honesty. and texting. case and point 

(name has been removed to protect the guilty):

Tennessee Dreaming

dear babies,

tonight let's all look out at the moon and sing 

"somewhere out there" like fievel from an american tale.

ok?  ok.

love, me

Run Walk Wheel & Roll

anyone in need of a good, soul cleansing cry today?  watch this:

my super dee duper (how do you spell duper? dooper, maybe?) inspiring friend, zac koffler is running the music city marathon tomorrow.  and when i say running i mean PUSHING 2 CHILDREN IN WHEELCHAIRS FOR 26.2 MILES.  i, on the other hand, will be cheering him on with a giant cup of coffee and a donut in hand.

zac founded the run, walk, wheel and roll initiative in 2010 and has since raised over $50,000 for a variety of programs benefitting children with physical disabilities.  he is also making my be-a-good-human efforts look embarrassing.  i need to step up my game.  i'm open to suggestions...

please take a few minutes to watch the video.  i promise you the hope it breathes into your heart will be worth it.  if you feel moved to give you are welcome and encouraged to do so here.  so much easier than pushing 50lbs while running a marathon, no?

Gerald and Geraldine

today is the day.  today is the day i can finally talk about these beautiful, perfect little nuggets i've been posting about.  remember when i said it was bigger than country music award show hair?  i bet you're gonna believe me...

one night in october i couldn't sleep so i spent the night online researching different orphanages in africa that i could volunteer at.  the next day i had lunch with my bestie, melissa spillman.  turns out she too had africa on the brain.  the day before she had lunch with 2 women from spring hill, tennessee who founded an organization called the raining season (TRS) that runs an orphanage called 'the covering' in sierra leone, west africa.  melissa asked if i would be interested in taking a trip to the orphanage with her someday.  i cried in my greek salad and said yes.

fast forward a few months and i am now a mother to twin two year olds that were taken in by the covering.  yep.  read that again.  mother.  to.  twin.  two.  year.  olds.  due to the atrocities of human trafficking there has been an adoption ban in sierra leone since 2009.  this means that in the foreseeable future none of the children at the center will be placed in permanent homes.  to counteract this TRS started the forever family initiative.  a forever family is matched with each child/sibling group to provide emotional, spiritual and financial help to these kids for the rest of their lives.  we are, essentially, a family that just doesn't live together.  we skype weekly.  i can visit the center as much as i like but am required to visit at least once a year.  and i have every intention of bringing my sweet babies to live with me the very moment that ugly adoption ban goes away.

i'd like to introduce you to my favorite little nuggets.  meet gerald and geraldine :)

so, i am a mother to twin two year olds.  if that doesn't produce an instant anxiety attack i don't know what will.  but the steady anxiety attacks have given way to heart bursting amounts of excitement that are only occasionally sprinkled with anxiety filled moments.  and the anxiety filled moments have given way to tremendously overwhelming periods of faith.  and the periods of faith have shown me what it feels like to be a follower of God.  and it turns out being a follower is the biggest, bestest, most awesomely powerful thing that i have ever experienced.  turns out... i like what i look like as a follower.  i like what it feels like to say yes with my whole, terrified heart.

i have an entire box of clothes sitting in my office that i will bring with me when i travel to see them in july.  i spend nights scouring blogs of anyone who has ever taken a trip to the center in search of baby pictures of g&g.  i have been known to watch a 7 second video of gerald waving for 45 minutes straight.  my mom put their faces on a coffee mug.  my dad adds every tuesday's "best of" skype photo to his screensaver at work.  they call me mommy.  i call them little man and baby girl.  they are mine.  i am theirs.  we are a family.

we are a family.

365 Days of Country Music

meesa hayes.

she is gorgeous.  she has a gigantic heart.  she likes over sized sweaters.  she has hair worth mentioning.  she has a knack for finding treasures at goodwill.  she will pray for you when you are anxious.  she will take travel mugs full of wine to opryland hotel with you to sit on santa's lap because you don't have a picture of you doing so from when you were little and everyone needs a picture of them on santa's lap. 

see?

 she is the best.  and she is back.

365 days of country music.  you will love this blog.  gobs of country music goodness.  oh, and i made a guest appearance this week.

you're welcome.

3am T-Bones

friday night.

the best kind of friends.

lots of wine.

sing-a-longs.

3am t-bones.

sleepover... obviously.

this weekend?  fat camp.

The Megan James Family

my annoyingly gorgeous, unbelievably thoughtful, overly generous, gigantic hearted, super talented, good hair rocking, oversized sweater wearing friend, meesa, gave me the sweetest gift this weekend:  cards for the babies.  their very first cards, in fact.  

what's the deal with these babies i keep talking about, you ask?  well i STILL can't write about them here and it's driving me crazy.  so until i can actually talk about them i will continue to keep writing about them without really writing about them.  it's cheaper than therapy.  deal with it.

we had a big weekend, those babies and me.

and i'm talking BIG weekend.

like bigger than dinosaurs big.

bigger than country music award show hair big.

big.

until i can share i leave you with their first cards... thank you, mees.  

g&g are going to adore their auntie suss.

Jameson

remember when I told you that my friends and I started a band?  well we did.  and I think it's my soulmate.

we wrote and recorded the whole project in a weekend.  our first show is this tuesday.  we had a photoshoot with the amazing melissa schipper.  it's happening and all signs point to legit.

these kids are some of my best friends and are, without a doubt, the most talented people that i know.  even if they weren't i'd stay in the band for the group text messaging chains alone.  humor is not something we have a sense of in this band... it's our first language.

ladies and gentlemen... jameson.

Mary Susan Balboa

the other day my friend, mary susan, came over for coffee.  at 9am.  in her pajamas.  and we maaaaaay or may not have both climbed into my bed and talked for two hours like teenagers.  judge away.  it was fantastic and we will absolutely do it again.

out of the blue she asked, "if you could have any other accent what would it be?"  without hesitating i answered, "english.  if i sounded like adele i would walk around all day just listening to myself."  i asked her the same question and she said, "i've always wished i sounded like i was from the bronx.  how ghetto is that???"  my 95-pounds-soaking-wet-blonde-hair-blue-eyed friend responded to my fits of laughter with, "when someone from the bronx is talking to you, you WILL listen to them."

tru dat.

It was. It is. It will be.

this week a friend of mine from high school passed away.  she was 28.  it was unexpected.  it was the day after christmas.  it was not the desired answer to thousands of prayers that hundreds of people prayed.  it was, is, and will continue to be devastating for everyone that knew her.  

today a father will bury his daughter.  today a mother will bury her baby girl.  today there will not be one empty seat or one dry eye in a church in minneapolis.  today i am sending all of my love to minnesota.  today i am hugging every friend i see.

maggie, you were the sweetest of the sweets.  you left a beautiful and unparalleled mark on this world.  i am praying for you and your family as you spend your first days in heaven and they walk through their first days without you by their side.  may you have a million arms to welcome you home and may we find peace knowing that you are indeed... home.

joe james

for a year and a half the first of my younger brothers, joe, lived with me here in nashville.   my dad helped him move in and gave us 4 days before he predicted bloodshed.  based on our relationship in high school this prediction was not too far off base.  we proved him wrong.  we didn't get into it until the week he was moving back to minnesota.  you know... bickering in front of our friends about trivial things while they all laughed understanding that we were fighting because because he was moving away and it made both of us sad and we just didn't recognize it blah blah blah.

for the last 2 months he has been back here in nashville launching a new office for his company.  i have loved having one of my best friends close by again.  it really is a very cool thing to get to do life with your sibling when you are both adults.  he is a funny, intelligent, well traveled, open minded, curious, loud, independent, caring man and i am proud to call him both family and friend.

i love you baby brudder.  nashville and i will miss you.  again.

Oh Canada

i met justin in the library at berklee college of music.  we spent our first encounter pulling endless novels with un-cracked spines (apparently us music nerds aren't big literary buffs) and were instant friends.

last weekend he got married.  the kids grow up so fast, don't they?

he and his lovely bride, ashleigh, got married on a boat in the thousand islands in canada near where he grew up.  it was breathtaking.  

congratulations you two.  much love.

thriftary giftary

today i am going to let you in on one of my:

1. secret weapons

2. favorite blogs

3. both of the above

the answer??  #3.  i made a guest appearance on my sweet friend, maddie's, blog this week.  i had the honor of singing at her wedding.  true story.  i have proof.  

see?  told you.

maddie, aka mrs. thriftary, is the queen of doing more while using less.  she has brilliant ideas and is one of the most creative people i have ever met.  she is also ridiculously beautiful.  inside and out.  it's irritating, really.  a woman should only be able to rock one of those two attributes.  not maddie.  she is the whole package tied up in a bow with a fabric flower that you can make using household supplies you already have for under $5.

check her out : thriftary

class of 2001

last night i went to my 10 year high school reunion.  gulp.

it was just what you'd expect: a slide show of slightly horrifying old pictures, repetitive questions, semi-awkward moments, yearbooks i hadn't seen in years, walks down memory lane, and it ended up being much more fun than i anticipated.  i spent the whole weekend with girls that have been on my short list of favorites for 21 years.  i got to catch up with old friends that are completely different and old friends that are entirely the same.  people i've missed and people that came out of the woodwork.  it's pretty amazing how much and how little a decade can change...

preston adeline insogna

my beautiful, brilliant, sweet friend elizabeth is about to have her first baby.  a baby girl to be exact.  on saturday we showered her with love, tiny dresses, baby tights, and even a tutu.  

preston adeline insogna, i CAN'T WAIT to meet you.

love your enemies

a few weeks ago some of my friends had $12,000 worth of gear, instruments and computers stolen from their trailer while they were on the road. this is how they responded. proud.